


dazzling world

by pistolgrip



Category: THE iDOLM@STER, THE iDOLM@STER: Dearly Stars, THE iDOLM@STER: SideM
Genre: Character Study, Coming Out, Friendship, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Hurt/Comfort, Misgendering, Trans Male Character, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-25
Updated: 2020-04-25
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:02:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23830507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pistolgrip/pseuds/pistolgrip
Summary: Akizuki Ryo, coming out, and the transition from 876 to 315 (among other things).
Comments: 4
Kudos: 29





	dazzling world

**Author's Note:**

> please read the tags carefully!  
> i've been sitting on this fic for about a year since it's personal for me - but since i've been getting back into sidem lately, i thought i would share.

Under the bright lights, everyone is watching. His knees nearly buckle under his weight, but he has years of stage practice to train him for this moment, years of acting as someone he never was and could never be. Those years remind him to take a deep breath in, hold his head high, and face the crowd like an old friend.

"For my final song," he starts, his voice steady even under the pressure of the miniature suns housed in each of the spotlights that shine down on him. He doesn't feel present as he says the words; his lips are numb, but still, they form his message. The next words stand between him and the rest of his life, and he's almost too lightheaded to register that he's broadcasting his emotions to the entire stadium.

"For my final song," he starts again, after the crowd quiets. "I'd like you all to listen to my true self."

The stadium erupts in cheers once more, and his heart thunders in his chest, knowing that he's about to betray their expectations.

The noise settles into near silence, the spring green penlights tittering like new leaves in a forest, and he sings.

* * *

Akizuki Ryo loses fans, as he expects. Coming out as trans on stage the way he did attracted more attention than he'd hoped for, and for a while, he can't help but skim over every article written about him. He scrolls down to find his ex-fans in the comments section feeling unanimously betrayed about following a lie this entire time. He bites his nails until they bleed when he reads that _it_ _'s_ _a shame that Ryo_ _'s on the whole tomboy thing now,_ _because he_ _r image i_ _s_ _already_ _so cute_.

 _All of this is a_ _publicity stunt_ _._ _Dearly Stars_ _hasn't been getting the attention they want_ _lately_ _, and_

With a frown, Eri yanks the phone from his hand. She taps at his screen furiously, and when he gets it back, all of the news sites he tries to visit are blocked.

876, despite being an all-female company, allows him to stay there while he figures out how to move forward. Everyone attempts to be supportive during his transition period (pun aside), but being surrounded by everyone here reminds him of his pains to get to where he is now.

Not that he's _anywhere_ at the moment with his activities paused while he tries to determine what he wants to do for himself. Not once while he was forced to perform as a female idol has he forgotten his dream; the rush of performing on stage and watching his crowd grow bigger has always been bittersweet. He wanted to be an idol to improve his image and break him out of his own shell, and it happened at a price he no longer wants to pay.

But still, he cannot forget—he's always wanted to be on stage. He just wants to be on stage as _himself_.

It takes less than a week to tell everyone at the company that he wants to continue being an idol. To test the waters, 876 gives him a slot for a mini-live. The decision is so sudden, all parties agreeing in a heartbeat, that he has no new songs to prepare, and there's a scramble to find outfits of his that they can modify to be less feminine by his hesitant request. The time frame is narrow, but the outfit coordinators, at least, are determined to make one of his old outfits into something he can wear as a young man.

"Sorry, Ryo-chan—Ryo- _kun_ ," Manami says when she passes him the outfit. In her voice, beneath the apology for the short notice, he hears the same apology that everyone's been giving him: sorry, for everything that made his life harder from the beginning. Sorry, for insisting to the president that he should debut as a girl idol instead.

Water under the bridge, he tries to tell himself. It'll be happening a lot. Water under the bridge. Guilt in their voices might be better than ignoring his requests. There's room for his forgiveness in their guilt.

Seeing this old stage outfit of his, feeling the material in his hands, makes him nauseous. But somehow, despite everything, he still trusts 876 enough to listen to his one request. He takes his glasses off and faces away from the mirror as he puts his arms through the sleeves, shimmies into the pants. With a deep, shuddering breath, he puts his glasses back on, wiping his fingerprints off.

He looks—he looks _different_. This outfit is the same as he remembers, except the outfit coordinators have broadened his shoulders, tried to hide the curve of his hips. What they couldn't modify, they've hidden under other layers. He doesn't trust his voice when he steps out. Ai claps before putting a finger under his chin to raise his head and nudging his feet apart so his stance is wider.

The next time he looks in the mirror, he can barely see through his glasses fogging up.

* * *

The tickets for his mini-live still sell out, but at a slower pace than his previous stages. Ryo knows that he has a handful of dedicated fans defending him, and he wonders how many of them have been there from the beginning and how many discovered him because he came out.

The venue is small. It's one of the first places he performed when he was a rookie, and when he walks out on stage, his fans are already waiting with their familiar banners, much livelier than his first few concerts. Their cheers now are louder than they've ever been, and his ears ring with their unrelenting support.

Ryo holds the microphone to his mouth, ready to voice his appreciation. He can't even get past the first word before his throat closes up, a tear escaping his eyes. He takes the microphone away to cover his face with his free hand, laughing in an attempt to hold his tears back.

The crowd's cheers only grow louder, and he hears their encouragement rising from the chaos:

_Ryo, we'll always support you!_

_Thank you!_

_You can do it, Ryo-kun!_

Preventing his tears is an impossibility. He lets the tears carve a smile into his face, and when he raises his head again, all of his fans sparkle under the bright lights, refracted through his tears. They go silent as he holds the microphone back up to his lips, and their anticipatory silence makes him grin so wide that his cheeks hurt.

"Thank you, everyone, for loving my true self!"

That's far from the introduction he planned, but it's the one that feels right, and for once, he doesn't mind going along with what surprises being on the stage brings.

* * *

He finishes that live with more energy than he's ever had in his life.

It's hard to get rid of old habits, especially when he was only trained as a female idol. His carefully trained steps stumble when he sways his hips or uses _watashi_ instead of _boku,_ the pronoun inexplicably tied with his stage presence. Still, the crowd cheers on, and while he feels clumsy, he never once falls.

Manami helps him carry the equipment back to 876 Productions. He's always helped the stage hands after a live, although they once insisted that _a young lady like you shouldn't worry about_ _doing the heavy lifting_. When he approaches them today, they nod to him instead. Like the other people Ryo's worked with, this must be their own little apology—but they couldn't have known. He hid it so well.

As they pile into the van to return to the office, someone with a young face and a suit that doesn't fit too well runs up to them. "You're Akizuki Ryo, right?" Their voice is light, but their excitement is palpable.

Ryo looks to Manami for confirmation, and when she nods, he says, "Yes." The reporters have been relentless, and while Manami might have been a pushover in the past, she's been much more active in fending everyone off since Ryo's announcement.

"I just watched your live," they say. They take a business card out of their pocket, fumbling with it before presenting it as they bow. "I'm with 315 Productions."

315 Productions. The _all-male_ agency. He feels his fingers shake as he takes it from their hand without a single thought running through his mind except, "You want _me_?"

"Of course we do, Akizuki-san." Underneath their calm timbre is a drive that convinces Ryo that whoever they are, they're trying to exploit him or force him back into a life he doesn't belong. Maybe Manami could sense that, too. "You're free to think about the offer, but if you'd ever like a change of pace, please call us."

A new life. A new chance. "I'll think about this," he mumbles in a daze. The smile that lights up the scout's face is dazzling.

* * *

"What?!" Ai always has enough energy for the three of them, and it's no different now. She slams the coffee table so hard that the mugs on it clatter, and she stands to her feet. Eri leans away, but they're all used to her by now. "315 Productions _came_ to you?!"

"Yeah." He scratches his cheek, trying to hide his optimistic smile.

"I've never been so happy to get rid of you!" Ai drops back onto the couch, so sudden that it startles a laugh out of him. "Go, go, go, call them! Do you want me to call them for you? You've always been shy, haven't you, Ryo-kun?"

She doesn't trip over using the more masculine _-kun_ like everyone else in the company. He likes that about her, that she can go with the flow while never being afraid to fight back when she thinks something's unfair. This was the girl who fought against the shadows of Amami Haruka, of Hidaka Mai, and won. It's no wonder she's always got energy to spare.

Still, the reminder that he's always been shy makes him wince. He'd been raised to become a young woman one day, after all, and that includes his modesty, his restraint, his reservation. He doesn't hate those things about himself, but he hates that he doesn't know where his own personality ends and the years of expecting him to grow into a young woman begin.

Eri must catch Ai's implication in Ryo's face, because she doesn't hesitate to poke Ai in the side. "Ow! What was that for?"

"Idiot aside," Eri says. Her voice is a direct contrast to Ai's, calming his anxiety for a moment before she continues. "This would be good for you. A new start is always nice."

While Eri has more tact, her words are awkward in a different way from Ai's, twisting something odd in Ryo's chest. They treat him the same as they always have, but they hesitate when referring to anything about him coming out, him being trans. It's unfamiliar territory for all of them, and the comments of how brave he is feel backhanded, even if he knows they're coming from a good place.

Still, they're supporting him in the way they know how, and he takes a deep breath. (Water under the bridge.) They're still his friends. "I do plan to call them soon. I'd like to try my best with the opportunity I've been given, but I'll miss everyone over at 876." He's not just saying that to be polite, either; he'll miss the time he spent with them, and the fact that they're supporting him moving forward means that, maybe one day, it'll be less painful looking back.

"We're merging with 765 anyway," Ai says, waving a hand. "They're doing some new 39 thing and they need two more—hey, they're really big now, aren't they?"

"Stay focused," Eri says, poking her forehead. "We'll miss you too, Ryo. But just from your mini-live the other day, we know where you're happier."

Ryo knows that he'd do better elsewhere, uprooting and starting over somewhere else. But it's intimate in a way to have his thoughts about his own transition so obvious to others that they tell him what he already knows to do. Above all, at least, he knows that they have their overwhelming support, and he holds his mug of tea up to his mouth in a vain attempt to hide how his eyes tear up _again_.

"Ryo, you're such a crybaby!" He doesn't need the reminder, but Ai gives it to him anyway, nearly knocking over the coffee table as she runs around it to give him a hug. "See? You're already happy thinking about it! If anyone gives you trouble, I'll knock 'em out! Go go, pow pow!"

"Please don't." His laugh is stilted as she holds him in a hug that chokes him. He tries not to get his mess of tears all over her shoulder. "We both have our careers to look forward to without an assault charge."

* * *

315 Productions is ecstatic to have him. They've been established as a company for less time than 876, and most, if not all of the idols are new to entertainment. It comes to light that all of 315's idols have held other careers in the past, and very few of them were related to performing—in the first week alone, he meets a doctor, a pilot, a few teachers, and someone from the army.

Compared to almost all of them, Ryo has more experience in the idol industry. Some of the older idols call him _senpai_ as a joke, and the obvious age disparity between him and his self-appointed _kouhai_ makes him laugh, helps him feel more comfortable. He knows how nervous he is to be here. If he can see his clammy hands and pale face in the mirrors of the training rooms, then everyone else can.

There are a few rookies that train beside him. Some of them end up in new units, some of them leave after a while, but he doesn't stay in the training process for as long as most rookies would. He already knows routine for the stage, and so 315 focuses his training elsewhere.

During his interview, he told them same thing he told Ritsuko so long ago, the same thing he told everyone at 876: _I want to be cool. I'm tired of looking the way I am._ This time, he knows what that _means_. He uses _cool_ , he uses _chic._ He uses _smart._ But he knows now without mincing words that he wants to be on stage as the young man that he is.

His workout routines differ from 876, and his trainer is transparent about the changes when she first gives him the new schedule. She has no judgement toward him, and he's so grateful that he takes her hands and bows, nearly ninety degrees. She ruffles his hair.

His singing lessons change, too. When he sings, he instinctively feels his voice rise into its upper register, and he has to fight down the urge. His singing lessons take up a much longer time slot than any of his physical lessons because of how long he'd trained himself to have a higher-pitched voice, and it frustrates him that his combination of soft-spoken and higher-pitched makes it impossible to differentiate him from a girl at times. His vocal coach does nothing but encourage him, knowing when to push him and when to make him rest when his frustration starts building in his frown, making him tense when his singing is supposed to be relaxed.

He sings along to _DRIVE A LIVE_ with everyone's voices already recorded. He learns how to push the anxiety away to keep his chin raised, bringing his focus away from how some of his lines are an octave higher for his own comfort. It takes him a long time to accept it for what it is, approaching those days with his vocal coach like he has for the past few years: he moulds it into his own shape, something uniquely his.

It makes the days where his voice cracks easier.

His public resignation from 876 Productions bombards those he left behind with questions about his future—whether he's been kicked out, where he is now, if he's given up completely. Ai texts him to complain constantly that reporters are pestering her while she's training with 765 Pro, and she wishes he would hurry up and debut already so the reporters would leave them alone.

It's a well-kept secret that Ryo is with 315. The other idols at the agency ignore the question in the rare chance it's posed to them at their events, and the staff involved with preparing Ryo for his debut, as well as the rookies that trained beside him, keep the secret.

Progress feels slow, but it only takes Ryo a few months to get accustomed to his new training plans. Through the frustration and hard work, he notices that he trains less and less with the other trainees—a sign that he's getting a unit soon. Optimism starts flowing through him, and he approaches every new morning with the anticipation that his hard work is paying off.

One day, after he finishes training, the producer calls him into the president's office. He can imagine that this could only mean that he's getting a unit soon, and he can't keep the grin off his face as he follows close behind the producer, humming under his breath to keep his speaking voice lower.

The president greets him with a smile, and he says, "We have a unit for you, Akizuki-san. They're finishing up their training, and as we're planning to make you the leader, we called you here first. Please take care of them."

"O-Of course!" he stammers before the president even finishes speaking, bowing out of embarrassment. He's never been the leader before; the leader of Dearly Stars trio was unquestionably Ai, with all of her energy and endless smile. Ryo wanted to encourage everyone watching him to follow their hearts, and he wanted to do so by example, following his own dreams and being his true self. But to be a leader of a unit? It makes his knees weak again, but this time, he's _excited_.

* * *

Daigo and Kazuki are the best people he could ask for as unit members. They trust him as a leader and as a friend, and although some days they voice the same backhanded support he's tried to accept as good intentions, they've never shown anything but support, perceptive enough to learn and grow even when Ryo is too shy to correct them directly.

He still slips into feminine mannerisms, but when he asks how to fix them, they never hesitate to help. Some days, when Ryo feels extra confident, he can laugh about his own ingrained mannerisms with the two of them. Other days, they don't comment, correcting him when he asks and moving on.

Kazuki is the oldest of the three and the most reserved, but he follows Ryo as the leader with so much faith that it gives Ryo confidence that following his dreams has the potential to inspire others. Kazuki seems cold at first, and he keeps his history obscured, but he makes it very clear that Ryo has been an inspiration to follow his true self. Something in his past hangs over his head, but something about watching Ryo come out as trans at the end of a live in front of a crowd of people pushed him toward escaping that—and for him, Ryo wants to be the best _Akizuki Ryo_ he can be.

Daigo is the complete opposite. He wears his past as a crest against his chest and talks openly about his Family with a capital F, but if it's ever affected him, no one can tell. His smile is ever-present, and only occasionally will he reveal the fights he's witnessed while raised as the sixth chairman of his clan, in a tone as close to sombre as someone like Daigo can get. His story knocks Ryo back a few paces when he hears it— _can a yakuza's son really do idol work so freely?_ —but he's so full of optimism, never hiding how much he wants to make the world smile, that neither Ryo nor Kazuki believe anything but how he is at face value.

The pressure of being leader weighs on him so heavily that when they first practice stage introductions, Ryo defaults to the one he's done for a long time. Before he can stop himself, the bubbly, high-pitched voice slips out of him, and he rambles with _watashi_ and ends with a peace sign. It's not until he finishes that he grimaces, his voice trailing off into a croak. In an instant, he feels disingenuous for coming out as a young man and then remaining caged by habit in front of two people inspired by his dedication to his true self.

Kazuki tilts his head, expression impassive. Daigo doesn't hide his giggles, and he says in a cheery voice, "That was a little girly, wasn't it?"

Daigo says what he means, but never does he mean any malice. (Water under the bridge—but Ryo still sees himself reflected in it, distorted into something that he isn't.) Ryo's heart sinks to his stomach. He swallows. He can't trust his voice to stay steady, so he attempts a laugh before saying, "Sorry, it's habit—"

"What're ya apologizin' for?" Daigo slings an arm around him, like they've been friends all his life. "We're here for ya! Sometimes ya gotta just..."

Daigo trails off, making a noise as he thinks—and then he bursts forward with a growl, flexing with the arm that isn't around Ryo's shoulder.

Ryo looks at him with a bewildered look on his face.

"Y'know!" He does the action again. Ryo looks to Kazuki for guidance, and he finds a sparkle in his eye, a hint of a smile at the corner of his lips.

He knows that Daigo and Kazuki trained together before F-LAGS became one; Daigo said they would meet outside of practices, and Kazuki said that Daigo would often find him while he was sitting in silence to break it. Ryo feels a bit lost among the pressure of being leader, being with two others that looked up to him before he knew them personally, the experience of being at 315 Productions. Never has he felt more lost than _now_ , faced with Daigo's incomprehensible suggestion.

It compounds on him all at once that he doesn't know _how_ to be a young man all the time, that for the first time in his life he's surrounded by other young men with similar ambitions. Suddenly, it feels all wrong.

But at the same time, when he looks at Daigo's wide grin and the hint of Kazuki's reserved smile, waiting for him, he realizes that 315 is a new start for _everyone_ , including him. He might not be as close to them now as they might be to each other, but from the day they became a unit, they would move forward as one. He might slip into habit from time to time, but they're there to extend a hand when he falls.

He doesn't know anything about the new world he's flying into, but he'll never be alone doing it.

"I..." Still, he doesn't know _what_ Daigo's trying to tell him—but there's no harm in trying. "G- _Grah_ ," he half-growls, letting his confusion show as he flexes.

Daigo snorts before he starts cackling, and the sound is so sudden it makes Ryo burst out in laughter too. "There ya go! You're ready for the stage, Ryo!" Daigo claps him on the back, as if that solved the problem instead of leaving Ryo even _more_ confused.

Kazuki says, with his own private smile, "We're part of the same unit, Ryo. I look forward to working with you." He bows. "If you need anything from us, we're here to listen."

"Hey, your introduction's too stiff, _sensei_!" Daigo laughs.

"Yours wasn't even an introduction, Daigo-kun," Ryo says—but everyone's joy is infectious, and bit by bit, the nervousness trickles out from his muscles. The future is still uncertain, but it looks bright with old friends encouraging him forward and new friends by his side. "All I need from you is your best," Ryo continues, and they return his dazzling smile.

**Author's Note:**

> ai and eri should have been the two new characters to join for mirishita and make them 39/sankyuu. i think about it everyday  
> thanks for reading!


End file.
